Energy Exchange: The Company We Keep

Photography by Rob Cala

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn

Rohn’s famous insight has been reinterpreted many ways, including in somatic psychology: our nervous systems are shaped by the nervous systems around us. The company we keep matters—not only for our mood, but also for our health, relationships, and resilience.

A recent piece on The Science of Serenity explores how our nervous systems settle in the presence of emotionally aligned people. Through co-regulation, our bodies unconsciously mirror the physiological states of others—calm invites calm, tension breeds tension. Neuroscience calls this “social resonance,” and it explains why time spent with grounded, compassionate people is so restorative, while time with reactive or dysregulated people can feel draining.

Why It Matters

We live in a world where chaos, media overload, and polarized communication constantly disrupt our equilibrium. Without awareness, we absorb this dysregulation, and it shows up in our own bodies as reactivity, poor communication, or even physical pain. Recognizing how profoundly we are influenced by others empowers us to choose relationships that leave us feeling better after an interaction—and to build skills that help us stay steady, even in the presence of someone who is struggling.

The HeartMath Institute has shown through decades of research that our hearts generate an electromagnetic field measurable several feet away from the body. When we are coherent—meaning our heart rhythms are smooth and ordered—others around us often shift toward that same coherence. In other words, our emotional state literally radiates into the space around us, influencing those nearby.

The Body Speaks Before Words

As a myofascial therapist, I’ve seen how the way we hold our bodies is one of the most powerful forms of communication. Tight shoulders, collapsed posture, shallow breath—these speak volumes before a word is ever spoken. Our fascia, the connective tissue that weaves through the entire body, literally holds the imprint of our experiences. When we soften and release these patterns, we not only feel freer inside but also communicate safety and presence to others.

This is why in my retreats we practice deep body listening: learning to tune into the subtle messages of our own tissues, breath, and sensations. This embodied awareness strengthens our capacity to listen to others—and to the more-than-human world. In forest therapy, for example, the quiet presence of trees becomes another teacher, reminding us how to slow down, attune, and resonate with life all around us.

When Relationships Are Hard

You may be thinking, “But what about when I work with someone who has an anger issue or is constantly emotionally triggering to me?”

This is called life—and while it isn’t easy, there are skills that can help us sit with greater steadiness in these situations:

• Limit your time with them. It’s okay to set boundaries.

• Deeply listen. Often people who are reactive are not accustomed to being truly heard, so they need to emote more before they soften.

• Stay in your body. While listening, anchor yourself by noticing the ridges of your fingertips, the sensation of your feet on the ground, or the rhythm of your breath.

• Imagine a bowl. Sometimes I visualize a beautiful bowl in my lap where their energy can be poured. When they’re finished, I imagine emptying the bowl—releasing what isn’t mine to carry.

• Try Tonglen. I’ve found Pema Chödrön’s Tonglen meditation tremendously helpful over the years. It’s a practice of breathing in another’s suffering with compassion, and breathing out relief, love, and spaciousness.

These practices don’t change the other person, but they shift your relationship to the experience—helping you stay grounded, compassionate, and clear.

1. Learning to Listen with Oren Jay Sofer

I spent a year studying with Oren Jay Sofer, whose work integrates mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication (NVC), and somatic awareness. Oren teaches that mindful communication begins with awareness of what’s happening in your own body and mind, so you can choose to listen from the heart rather than from reactivity.

Unless you grew up in an environment where this kind of communication was modeled (which is rare), most of us are improvising. Practicing Oren’s methods showed me how easily the mind slips into preparing a response instead of truly receiving another person’s words. The difference between the two—between rehearsing and resonating—is the difference between disconnection and intimacy.

2. The Nourishment of Circle at Modern Elder Academy

At the Modern Elder Academy in Baja, I learned from Indigenous leaders how to “hold circle.” Circle work is deeply nourishing: with a talking piece passed hand to hand, each voice is honored without interruption, advice, or cross-talk. This slow rhythm creates safety and reverence.

After circle, we shared meals overlooking the ocean, carrying that same depth of listening into our conversations. Many of us came home with what we called the “MEA hangover”—longing for a world where every interaction could feel this connected.

Returning to Resonance

Ultimately, our energy and attention are our own responsibility. Science confirms that the quality of our inner state dramatically impacts our health, our relationships, and even the kinds of people we attract. A regulated, coherent nervous system tends to draw emotionally healthy communicators; dysregulation often invites more chaos.

That’s why I lead nature-based retreats. Supported by the quiet intelligence of nature, we practice deep body listening, mindful communication, and forest therapy. These practices reawaken our innate ability to resonate—with ourselves, with others, and with the living world around us.

This is a high form of caring, one our world desperately needs right now.

✨ Invitation: Join me for a retreat where you’ll experience practices that restore nervous system balance, deepen communication, and remind you what it feels like to belong—in your body, in community, and in nature.

💬 I would love to hear your comments and insights: How do you navigate being around people who challenge your emotional balance?